The First

people keep asking, what is it with you and this first love talk ?

to those who asked this, i bet it's either because you've felt this first love and failed, 

or you haven't felt it at all.

first love is different for everyone, the way it comes, the way it sticks around and the way it made you jump at it. but that doesn't make one person better than the other in this first love case.

and to everyone, the way they think about first loves are different also.

some may think it wouldn't last forever.

some may think it would last forever.

some may think it was just the first try.

people think differently based on what they've been through.

First love.

to me, first love is beautiful. and i can bet that most of the people that has been in my shoes, walked the path that i did, would say exactly the same thing.

The reason why we think first love is beautiful isn’t because its people we first loved were actually handsome or pretty. It’s because we were unconditional, innocent, or a bit stupid at the time of first love.

And because we know that we can never go back to that young, passionate time of our days.

first loves make your memories seem so much fun.

but First love is also harsh. Without any calculation, we throw ourselves with passion until at some point, we finally come to face failure. But it is at the same time dramatic. It comes with inexplicable feelings that we never get to experience again.

So, first love becomes the most dramatic moments of our lives.

It’s okay to fail, though. Tragic stories stays longer than “happily ever after”. It’s nice to have that wonderful tragic story as one chapter of one’s life.

First love is a period of time. and It never comes back.

If the next love comes, time has to yield for that new love. It might not be as innocent as the first love, but it would be a little more mature, due to the pain suffered with the first love.

“a person who dreams of love, is the one who waits”.

And a person who waits can recognize the love when it comes near them. Physically and mentally, they would recognize it as they’ve felt so before.

But after the romance, the real life comes in. innocence gets dirty, passion gets cold and youth gets old with wisdom and experience.

So first love becomes a part of one’s exhausted daily life.

That’s why first love looks like it can’t be accomplished. Only the one who’s willing to give everything else up for It or give it up for another love after that will try their best whenever they get the chance.

even if they fail again.

But like I said, it’s okay to fail. It’s okay not to be okay. that is what makes you a human. 

it even makes me a human and also make those other people walking around you, passing by you everyday, a human.

A human who needs love to live.

i, too am a human.

a human who -at least- admits that she, too has tasted what first love was like.

a human who knows when to say the things in her heart rather than to lie to herself.

have you ever thought that, whenever i talk about my first love, i feel the pain as much as everybody else does when they talk about their first love ?

talking things out helps the mind to find a way to solve things.

so i'm doing just that. 

i haven't got over my first love. it only seem like i have.

but at least i'm trying. i'm trying as hard as i can, even if my "as hard as i can" won't reach your standards.

i'm trying.

but i guess i failed. 

in my first love, i mean. not the 'trying to get over' issue. i'm still trying that, though.

actually, i bet none of my friends can guess which one was my first love ?

the one i loved for 9 whole years, or the one i waited on for 4 years ?

or was it the one that i met for 1 day ?

my first love, didn't work out. simply because it wasn't for me. maybe it was meant to be for that girl. so i wish you good luck and do your best. because it isn't coming back if you leave it.

it's okay, though, that i failed.

because i've come to learn that maybe if my first love wasn't meant to be, 

maybe someone else is waiting for me to be their first love.

who knows, right ?

you, and i, we're both humans, aren't we ?

so i bet you understand me.

my first love.

just ended with this post.

Casper

I regret with all my heart to have fallen for the same guy again and again.

But like my favourite drama tells me, 
"Liking a person isn't your choice, but to admit it, it is."

As I said I fell for the same guy, it isn't that he is the same person for years,
but the other guy with another name, another smile and another devious aura.

The previous one was just a start to my real life, where I knew I had to make the decisions for myself and I could say it wasn't a mistake,
even though I hit my head hard when I realized he wasn't for me.
Or I wan't for him.

That previous soul gave me a hard beating, that I realized while beating me to the bone, I knew he wanted me to learn.
But as I did, I fell into the same black abyss as I did when I found him at the bottom.
This time, it wasn't him.
It was this other casper-bee that looked as if he was floating in the air...
I always wondered why he floated like that.
A bee that could buzz about but chose to stay and hover.

Now I knew.

The gravity had nothing against him...
but the flower angel by his side has been holding him up with her wings.

Now I know.
I know.

I admit it, though...
I admit it.

For falling for his sweet, devious smile, his laughter that made my world shake, his passion in life that never fails to inspire me...
and his very soul.

Because that's my choice to admit.
Even so, never to him, I will admit.
It would scar me for life, even if that life I say
is only going to be just 2 to 3 years.

But unlike the previous one, I'm giving up.
I didn't give up in the end for the previous one...
I just decided to stay as I am.
As a friend that never changes...

With this one, though, I knew I was nothing but a wilted flower 
in the field of beautiful blooming flowers during spring.
In the heart of the field, this flower angel hovered with beauty.

Beauty that captured no other busy bee but that casper-like bee.

He seemed like he was see-through.
But who am I to judge ?
See-through but stings better than any other bee ?

I'm giving up.

Giving up without saying a word.

I'll wilt away and hope that someday, someone will water me again 
with the same love yet more powerful...
So I can grow as beautiful as the flower angel.

The flower angel that seemed to brighten the casper-like bee's eyes
every time he looked at her.

I'm giving up.

TODAY.TOMORROW

In life, there are some things that are never meant to be yours.

If it’s yours to keep, you’ll get it sooner, or later.

But if it isn’t, then let it be...

Xxx

Today
[ 21_03_2013 ]

The candidates of spm 2012 got their results.
CONGRATULATIONS !

but some of them are not really satisfied with what they got.

Brothers and sisters,

.Keep calm and keep on living life.

This is all a test to us all

To see whether we are grateful or boastful or regretful

With our results.

so all of us better watch out.

We will never always be on top and we will never always be down there

Everyone will feel both.

But in that time,

We are the ones that will choose whether to learn from the failure and enjoy

Or mourn over it and regret.

It’s all in your hands..

If you choose to learn and live, there will always be hope for you

But if you choose to stay on the same page, mourning and regretting,

Then life will always be the same for you.

Dark and painful.

Choose.

If you need to cry or scream, just do it.

CRY !!! SCREAM !!!

i know how you feel...

it must have been hard, wasn't it ?

i know some of you held in your tears 

and choked back the sobs and sadness back inside

when that piece of paper slipped 

into your hands and shook your soul...

people around you asked you this and that...

tried to sneak a peak at that piece of paper...

 but some of them may ask politely,

'so what about your results? ...hey...are you okay?' 

but you just smiled and said,

'sure, i'm fine'

and you pretended to get along and smile broadly...

...hey, hey, don't worry...

...i was there...

i've been there and now i'm okay...

because like they always say,

'let it out, it'll be okay'...

and it's true...

we're humans..

it's all right to not be okay.

But after that, GET UP,

and take a step forward, for the future has much more in store for you.

 and (!!!) do always remember,

Take all of this as a test from 

our almighty Allah

For he wants to test

Whether you are nearer to him after your failure

Or you are further from him...

the same goes to the ones who passed with flying colours :)

Be aware, all right?

:D

~see you soon~

p/s: this post is only written to motivate myself and encourage others...

        if some of u think that it's too emotional and overreacting, let me know, a'ite?

bE wEll

Saying the words ‘Be Well’ to you seemed so sad… so tears welled up.

I couldn’t help, but let it go… all the way down to my chin.

I wished you to be well, truth is I wish it would be with me.

But that would be selfish of me.

I already know. I already know.

Isn’t that why I let you go ?

I didn’t want you to sacrifice things for me, be hurt for me, or even pitying me…

I tried to be strong through all of it…

But I was wrong… I was wrong…

I’m sorry.

I didn’t know it would hurt this bad. I tried to be strong.

But I crumbled, cried, crashed… and burned…

0o0o0o0o0o

Tears… fell, streamed, never ending…

…1 drop 2 drops 3 drops 4 drops 5 drops…

I wonder if what the sky was feeling as I cried.

.It responded to me quickly.

…1 drop 2 drops 3 drops 4 drops 5 drops…

It rained heavily, letting no piece of earth laid dry of suffocation.

It watered the hurt pieces with that strong, soothing wind.

Like the memories of you,

It blew past me happily, leaving me the feeling of content…

But never turning back.

0o0o0o0o0o0

I hated myself.

I hated the fact that while I tried to win you over,

I annoyed you, I took your time, I made you choose, I sent sadness to your heart.

I hated it.

It made my heart hurt as it made yours.

I never wanted to interfere.

I vowed to myself it was never going to be same like what I did in the past.

…but I was wrong…

.again.

Maybe that was why you never turned back…

Why you never glanced at my way for even a second…

I never blamed you. I’m still not blaming you.

I don’t know if it’s because

I’m too much for anyone to handle...

Or I’m not enough for anyone’s standard…

because

No matter how much I tell you I love you,

It wouldn’t work.

0o0o0o0o0o0

I was wrong.

Maybe it really is the best for the both of us if

I just say ‘Be well’…

Turn around, and walk away…

But I don’t want to guess anything.

The words ‘maybe’ is just too much for me, too much for me to say…

It gives me hope of something different than what’s already happening.

And when hopes dawn in my heart,

I know the wishing star would rain on me in an instance.

I’m too scared to wish for anything…

Because the last time I wished for something…

It passed by me and disappeared, like the wind...

And do you know what I wished for ?

I wished for a Big, Warm, Unending Love…

I got you, instead.

So it turned out,

My wish did come true… didn’t it ?

Be Well, B.

lOnEly mE

I say the words…

                   But I’m too afraid if it disappears…

So I write it down…

                   Just so you can read it, again and again…

It would at least leave a mark of mine…

                   Somewhere in that world of yours…

Hoping for you to be here with me is too much…

                   Knowing that you would read my words is enough…

  J  Hope you are well J

thE hElpEr :)

She helps every each and one of the people that came to her, seeking for answers. She never turns down any of them.

It’s not because of her nature… but her heart itself…

She has a heart of a gem, always thinking of others before herself.

She sheltered those who cry, she cheers up those who needed sunshine, she guided those who was lost and smiled for those who needed encouragement…

It’s never easy doing so… as she knew, she could never fulfil each and every single one of the problems.

But she tries. She tries very hard, sometimes even harming herself…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Stop doing this, you’re not helping at all”, people would say, time and time again.

Whenever she hears that, her soul crumbles… but her intentions never wavered. She changes her ways and again, she tried, again and again…

“You’re helping her but I’m left here, forgotten”, some would say.

But again, she tries harder. For both sides, again and again…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She knows…

She knows that people’s intentions and thoughts are always different… but she also knew that their hearts have always been the same…

Everyone wants the best for themselves.

Everyone wants to reach to the top.

Everyone hates being left behind.

Everyone doesn’t want to leave anything behind, either.

She knew it very well…

Because she’s been there… She’s been at the very bottom of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like it always happens, when helping others out, we will be rewarded…

[ WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND ]

[ YOU’LL GET WHAT YOU GAVE ]

But that was never her intention. She never wanted to take back what she’s given… she never asked people to repay her… she never questioned people of her deeds…

She was sincere…

But no one knew about it. No one had the slightest idea of what she’s been doing… they ignored her presence, they ignored her help, they ignored her good-will…

Yet, she never gave up.

________________________________________

During cold, winter nights, she would worry about those who weren’t warm, through the heat of summer evenings, she would worry about those who burned…

She was selfless…

And look where it got her ?

She made it.

She made it to the other side, where the grass was greener…

She made it with her own effort with her own sweat and tears…

She wanted to scream, “I told ya I’d do it! Look at me now, world!”….. but she didn’t.

She knew she did her best… and that was just what she wanted. To do her best.

Well, she wasn’t ignored now…

so instead of screaming, she whispered to the world…

J I told you so J

TRY

What does it feel like to quit ?

________________________________________________________________

It makes no sense to ever quit in life... because life’s too short.

You don’t get many chances.

If you fall, you have to stand up by yourself, because waiting for someone to come along to pick you up will only shorten your life span.

So use every chance you get to the fullest. Even if it’s just for a mere second.

Like they say, [ EVERY SECOND COUNTS ] !!!

________________________________________________________________

I’ve met a guy who does nothing but TRY...

He made a mistake... to his best friend... but he ran away from it, scared of what’s to come because he knew his best friend would forever hate him after that...

The problem never resolved.  It came back... hunting him, pestering him, provoking him... to solve it.

He was scared.

Even so, he didn’t wait any longer. He didn’t wait for his best friend’s second chance or sympathy or anger towards him. [ No more running ] he thought to himself.

He was still scared...

Scared that he might screw up again... leading to losing his best friend, again... so he went firm on himself, thinking, [ I’ll try my best and stay on track ].

So he tried and tried, hoping that the time will come... for his best friend to truly forgive him...

Until that time comes, he’ll try anything within his power and strength to protect his best friend, keeping the loyalty they had since a long time ago...

Even when his best friend did nothing but hate him, he tried.

And at last, he made it. He made it to the peak of his best friend’s trust and loyalty...

NO FLOWER WOULD EVER BLOOM WITHOUT GETTING WET IN THE RAIN...

NO RAINBOW COULD EVER BE PRESENT WITHOUT GETTING THROUGH BULLETS OF RAIN DROPS...

NO PERSON WOULD EVER CHANGE TO THE BETTER WITHOUT GETTING SOAKED

IN HIS TEARS DROPS...

NO SMILE COULD EVER BE MADE WITHOUT FEELING THE PAIN BEFOREHAND...

_NOTHING SWEET WILL EVER COME TO LIFE IF THERE’S NO SOUR PARTS TO MAKE IT COME TO LIFE_